Faith?

Nursing school, what seemed an endless feat , is over. I've officially been a college graduate for 4 months now. I suppose it goes without saying I've joined the real world -the "grown up world" now. Here's a snap shot of what my "grown up world" consists of (putting aside bills bills bills and actually having a real paycheck for the first time in years of course) -I live in an amazing city, with my best friend non the less, spending our days off and our late nights (preparing for the 7p-7a shifts) acting 17 again-like we ever stopped-sitting indian style in the middle of our quaint-barely affordable-apartment, sipping red wine (so adult) talking about love, loneliness, happiness, boys, life and without fail; nursing. I started a blog a while ago, and found myself sitting in front of my computer with a blank white space, feeling vulnerable with nothing truly worth writing about. Heres my second attempt at writing 'stuff down' whatever that stuff might be for anyone who feels so inclined to read it. So why today? Today has been your typical summer day, hot, humid, with thunderstorms rolling in and out since 730 am. The kind of summer storms that make you want to curl up on the couch with a good book or P.S. I love you and let out a good cry. Today was like any other day off for me pretty non-eventful; laundry, cleaning, gym and then I found out my patient had passed. Only the second patient I've cared for since the start of my career as a critical care peds nurse. An abuse case. I guess this is where the job gets hard-where you're tested on being able to separate yourself from your work from you're emotions, the fact that you, like everyone else are a human being who when in a tough situation, confronted with pain or sadness can react in only one of two ways that we know how-ignore it or face it. My heart hurts something terrible today- I didn't think I would feel like this, I wasn't prepared. Faith. A long lost friend of mines cousin, a doctor, told me to be a pediatric nurse takes faith. Faith in what? Faith in someone, anything? Faith in yourself? faith in something, faith in one thing- that everything happens for a reason. Faith in the fact that this is where they belong-in my hands, in the hands of these doctors, in the hands of their parents and when all else fails, in the hands of god? Who gets to decide when we've done all we can do? I often find myself repeating this word 'faith' to myself. But what does it really mean and how is it so easily broken?